Gender and Courtship
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General Views on Gender
Also see the main article Gender Differences
In order to understand gender and etiquette, we need to examine the general views on gender differences in the 17th century. Not only did men and women inhabit different bodies, but they were marked with specific characteristics. Men, as the stronger sex, were thought to be intelligent, courageous, and determined. Women, on the other hand, were more governed by their emotions, and their virtues were expected to be chastity, modesty, compassion, and piety. Men were thought to be more aggressive; women more passive.
Expectations of male and female conduct derived from these perceived virtues and weaknesses. In marriage, men were expected to rule over their wives, and all property (except in some cases property acquired by the woman before marriage) belonged to the husband. Men were the primary wage earners, while women were expected to be primarily responsible for housework and childcare, though both sexes participated in all these activities. Women's public roles were generally confined to the exercise of their moral and domestic virtues through participation in religion and charity.
Views that do not belong to the Restoration Period
It can be at times very difficult to imagine what it is like to live in 17th century England. A classic mistake for a person of the 21st century to make is to take the very formal and strict Victorian Era as the standard for etiquette, courtship and scandal for anything before the 20th century. This could not be further from the truth. For instance the images displayed on the cod pieces of gentlemen in the Medieval and Tudor period would bring a blush on the cheeks of many a 21st century American for being so suggestive about how well endowed its owners were, including a display of a full erection. Not something you'd wear in polite company today! Nor was showing a nipple cause for scandal. While such displays were already toned down considerably under Puritan influence (which considered even dancing to be scandalous), the Restoration period, especially at court, was rather libertine compared to the Victorian Era. They were not afflicted with either prudishness or the strictly regimented order of society. The concept of class was only now developing as were more and more rules for polite company. It was a good 75 years before such was formalized in law and books on good manners.
Courtship and Love
See Also Romantic Love
Romantic Love and Marriage do not get equated with each other until the 19th century, although there are some trends already there in the 18th century. In the Restoration period marriage is for wealth, influence and alliance, not for love which one either avoids or reserves for ones mistresses. It is even quite common for gentlemen of quality to maintain one or more platonic relationships with women other than their wives, dining with them for the pure pleasure of their company and conversation with only a hint of eroticism.
Other options than marriage
While women were expected to remain virtuous till they have married and shared the marriage bed, the young gentlemen were no less than expected to enjoy some carnal lust before settling down. Some of these lustful encounters lead the flustered gentlemen to engage in a morganatic marriage with their mistresses, reserved for those marriages for which one did not ask permission from king or parents, only words spoken before a priest and two witnesses. Often these were marriages between two persons of different status or class. They are also called clandestine marriages, and a law in 1753 seeks to abandon the practice entirely. In 1675 however, the morganatic marriage was not uncommon, although not publicly condoned. Those men and women who resorted to clandestine marriage did so because they wanted to keep their marriage a secret. Such ceremonies were secret because they were not performed with the rites and banns of a public ceremony (although they were performed by a priest), they were conducted far from family and friends, they did not necessarily take place in a church ( common alternatives included private houses, brothels, prisons, alehouses, and coffee shops), and they often took place outside of the typical marriage hours of 8:00 a.m. to noon.
Steps in a courtship
A gentleman that would seek the hand of a lady in honorable marriage would most likely discuss the matter with her father, or in absence there of with her guardian. A gentleman would need permission to court the lady, and in all likelihood a contract detailing the financial situation would be agreed upon even in this early stage, including the dowry, and arrangements of pension for when the lady should become a widow, often equal to the original dowry. Meanwhile the lady would receive small tokens of the gentlemans interest, such as flowers, gloves or even being asked to dance more than once during the evening. The more a gentleman demanded of the time of a lady, the more he signalled his interest without even a word being spoken of the prospect of marriage. To be too frank about such subjects would lead to loss of face for the gentleman should her father reject his offer.
During all these encounters it was rare for a nobleman or woman to have seen each other naked. At the very least one kept the chemise on. One reason people kept their clothes on is that they were almost never alone. In 1674 Elizabeth Myres, like many servants, slept in a truckle-bed at the foot of her mistress's bed. When her mistress took a lover it was Elizabeth's job to help him pull off his shoes, after which he would climb into her mistress's bed and pull the curtains close; Elizabeth would lie a few feet away hearing 'kind words and expressions of love pass between them'. Nobody expected her to leave the room. Obviously, giving regard to 21st century senses of privacy, our game has deviated somewhat from this standard (giving servants their own room) but it is good to keep it in mind for reference. Moments of passion were but stolen moments in time and not all that frequent.
Suggested elements of courtship
Things that might possibly feature in a courtship:
- Chivalrous gentlemen in England often sent a pair of gloves to their true loves. If the woman wore the gloves to church on Sunday it signalled her acceptance of the proposal.
- Dancing with a lady more than once during an evening signalled a courtship to the general public.
- Blushing was considered very feminine and the essence of innocence.
- Ladies are urged to be modest and demure.
- Wit and humor are greatly priced, but yet a lady needs to remain delicate.
- Women should not show their learning lest the gentleman is brought to shame for knowing less. They are advised to listen to the men talk and encourage them in such.
- Women should display their virtue by protesting any injury to their honor loudly
- Women should not enhance their tales with white lies, except to enhance innocent tales of mirth.
- A lady should not overindulge in eating or drinking.
- Friends should be cherished and always taken into complete confidence so that they may advice you, though this should never be a married friend who might owe loyalties elsewhere.
- Do not make confidants of your servants, but trust their loyalty.
- A woman should not assume too quickly that a man wants to be her lover, as that will open her up to ridicule. A man who converses well might simply be a platonic friend without further designs.
- It is frowned upon to declare your love for a person. A sensible man never asks this of a lady, not even, or most especially, his wife, nor will he offer it in turn. It is considered indelicate, as violent emotions will eventually lead to disgust.
Typical Scandals
See als the main article Scandals
The 17th century is still a rather rough, violent age with the state and the church struggling to get control of these disruptive urges through the setting of standards that were not always observed. Typical forms of behaviour include rape (which at the time included all forms of seduction as it was a term for all sex without the parents permission), kidnapping and elopement, with cruelty and violence being the norm rather than the exception. Problems associated with morganatic or clandestine marriages, apart from shaming the family honor, included desertion and bigamy. Homosexuality and incest were also two subjects that were prone to censure. While it may have been practised, it was not condoned. Adultery by women, while common, was considered as a form of treason against the church and the King. Men where of course expected to have mistresses, but of lower status, or a widow. The seduction of married women was frowned upon as adultery though with lesser punishment than for the women.
